It Doesn't Take A Man

When I think of my husband, Ryan Jordan, the image of a stereotypical man fills my mind: dirt under the nails, grease from head to toe, work boots, Levi jeans, the five o’clock shadow, an air of toughness, and careless attitude. His parents divorced when he was only four years-old. Without a male role model I have never known where Ryan could turn to, to become such a well-rounded man. I have always been baffled that people can say “it takes a man to raise a man.” Ryan is a person that defies that whole concept.
On the day his father left Ryan said the only thing he remembered is being upset that his father was taking the television. He didn’t understand why he would be taking the television away from him. Ryan also said the only thing his father told him that day was that he was going to live with his aunt. I can’t imagine what a four year-old boy was thinking at this point; or how a twenty year-old man now feels about his father leaving unrepentantly and having given no reason.
I often wonder how Ryan’s demeanor would be different if his father had not left his family. I asked him how he thought his relationship would be different with his father. His reaction to that was: “I might like him. Or know more about him.” He stared straight ahead, looking blankly at the bare wall. He didn’t dare look me in the eye. I’m sure that was to avoid showing any emotion about the matter but, his voice filled with hatred gave it all away.
Immediately, I probed for more information: “So, you don’t know much about your dad?” I asked slyly, in order to not upset him.
He picked up a Hot Roding magazine. Flipping through the pages in a meaningless way; his mind was obviously somewhere other than focused on the magazine. He paused for a long time before answering my question: “All I know is he is a piece of shit--treated my mom bad and cheated on her. I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.” By this time he was merely staring aimlessly at one page. He was not attentively looking at the page, more like thinking of the betrayal of his father to his family. I sat and watched him for a while, neither of us said a word. He just looked vacantly at the magazine. I wondered what was going through his mind; it seemed like something that was painful or in some way threatening. I could tell by his cold manner.
After a what seemed like an eternity, he began to say something else: “The only thing I remember about my dad is that he would roll green stuff in small white papers, that came out of orange packages, on a brown tray. It wasn’t until I was older that realized what he was doing.” He was still staring emptily at the same page in the magazine. I was almost speechless.
“He did that in front of you?” I asked dubiously.
“Yep.” He said hardheartedly. I could feel the tension so I asked no more. But, my mind was racing. I couldn’t imagine a parent could do that in front of their child. It must have imposed so much pain and angst when Ryan came to realize the only thing he could remember about his father was something as shameful as that. Then I became conscious of the fact that Ryan has always told me he doesn’t have a father. After the shock of what I had just heard, I must agree with him. No father would roll marijuana in front of their child. I was disgusted with the thought. I am sure Ryan feels the same. Although it must be harder to swallow being that it is his father, even though he will not admit it.
I think this life-long experience has made Ryan a very strong individual. I also recognize the draw backs like his lack of emotion, sympathy, and the resentment he always carries with him for his father. He agreed that the occurrence has made him stronger: “Yeah, you learn to take care of yourself very fast. Because there is no one there to do it for you.” He said this in the same disconnected passion he has about everything. Ryan is the type of person who emotionally detaches himself from everything in his life. He shows no sentiment or compassion for anyone or anything. I have never fully understood why, until delving into his past. I believe detaching himself is how he dealt with his father. Therefore, he continues to use that same mind-set to deal with everything. Everyone has their own way of protecting themselves from hurt; emotional detachment is Ryan’s.
I assume his mother had to worry and work more to make it on her own. Her children had to lean on themselves for support. Ryan has taken that to the extreme. He will never accept money or help from anyone. Although, he is the first to offer aid to anyone else. He takes care of his family and friends by giving whole-heartedly. I know in my case anything I need, he is quick to offer assistance. He is incredibly stubborn, so people usually give into him whether or not they really want to. He conversely, does not give into anyone’s helping hand. He relies solely on himself for everything. I am entirely envious of him for that fact.
I am torn on the matter. I feel sorry that he has had to experience such pain, however it has made him the omnipotent person that he is today. Throughout the past four and a half years I have notice the disgust in Ryan’s voice when speaking of his father. I have never really brought the subject up because I know how much it bothers him. The more I learn of the situation, the more it makes sense to me. I can tell Ryan feels abandoned and betrayed by his father. I think his worst fear is becoming like his father. So far, he is well on the right path of avoiding that worry. I am proud of the person he has become throughout his life. He should be confident in the fact that even without a man to look up to, that he has become just that--a man.